The High-Altitude Attitude of a Badass Rollergirl

Hi There!

Thought I’d given up, din’cha?  Nope.  Just kind of busy these days, that’s all…

Okay, first things first:  I’ve lost at least 4 pounds since my last blog post.  I say “at least” because the damn scale likes to say “165” one day and “164” the next, then back to “165”.  Freakin’ tease.  Anyway, since my goal is to lose 2 pounds per week, I’d say I’m right on schedule.

Now to the struggles and cravings and mishmash of horrors.

I did continue to list everything I ate, but since so much time has gone by, it seems like it would take up way too much room to list everything here.  (Read:  I don’t want to tell everyone about the day I ate a Twix bar, which unfortunately led to 3 packages of Little Debbie’s Nutty Bars – all in the same day.  No.  I don’t want to talk about it.) 

Here’s what I have done, in a nutshell:

Continued to eat as much CHEESE as humanly possible, but not quite as much as before.

Cut down on my portions.  (well, mostly.)

Found other stuff to do that keeps me from watching “Hoarders” marathons and raiding the fridge (like freelance work, skating, and cleaning house).

Side note:  

The “Hoarders” show is a weird new addiction that I cannot seem to shake.  I’ve even found multiple variations of the show:  “Hoarders” (the original), “Hoarding: Buried Alive,” and even “Clean House: Messiest Home” will work as a sort of methadone until a new episode of “Hoarders” comes on.  The only thing I won’t watch is “Confessions of an Animal Hoarder,” because I just want to reach through the television screen and STRANGLE those people and that would be very bad because unlike that one Twilight Zone episode, our television does not, in fact, harbor a window into the television world.  I’d just break the screen and then the husband would finally have enough evidence to call the men in the white coats, and basket weaving isn't one of my strong suits.

Side note, cont'd:  

Why “Hoarders,” you ask?  Because it scares the living hell out of me.  And my house.  I mean, it scares me into cleaning the living hell out of my house.  So it’s a motivating factor.  Granted, I don’t ever leave trash on the floor or misplace cats only to find them years later dried up and flattened underneath piles of books and clothes, but I do tend to keep weird stuff for “sentimental” reasons, and lately I’ve been going through all that “sentimental” crap and declaring it, well, CRAP.  Goodwill loves me right now.  So does Bookman’s.  So ANYWAY….

Back to the eating habits:

I continue to drink ONLY water with every meal.  I’ve also cut way down on the vodka/Perriers (one after dinner every 3-4 days or so), and I haven’t had ANY champagne, wine, or sparkling anything since January 4^th!  [Amazing.]  I’m also slowly beginning to replace those Hot Pockets breakfast thingys (I know… but the husband loves them, so there they are in the freezer) with those Waso multigrain cracker thingys.  I found this ready-made hummus spread at the store that comes in various flavors; roasted sun-dried tomato and fresh garlic are my two favorites.  So for a late night snack, I spread a little hummus on a Waso cracker and it’s about 70 calories total (I’m guessing), and the tastebuds are happy!  Before that, I had kind of a problem that involved grabbing a great big flour tortilla, grating about a cup of cheese to keep it company, and broiling it all together in the oven at, say, 11:30 at night.  (Notice how I no longer have to capitalize the word CHEESE.  Woops – sorry.  It’s a process…) 

Exercise:  I roller skated on the sidewalks of Foxglenn Park for 1.5 hours on Tuesday and Thursday of this week, and man did my butt hurt last night!  It was freaking COLD yesterday too… but I still skated, coughing and wheezing and panting nearly the whole time.

"So, what brand of dishwashing detergent do you use?"

So this Roller Derby thing could be exactly what I need.  Yeah, I grew up with skates on my feet, sure, but I never considered doing anything DANGEROUS with them.  A few years ago, Gary would be watching derby stuff on TV and then he'd go and suggest I might oughtta try it, and I’d be all, “HA!  Are you crazy?  That looks scary!  Those girls are bruisers, they’d eat me alive!  No WAY am I one of those girls.  I’m not tough like that.” 

Well, I happen to have emerged from a VERY, no, EXTREMELY tough situation a little more than 5 years ago, beating all the "odds" and "statistics" into a pathetic wretched bloody pulp, and in the course of things managed to find out just how tough I really am, in, like, a mental sort of way.  So now I might as well see how I can surprise myself with the physical.  Most contact sports are about 80% attitude & mental agility and 20% physical fitness, so I know I’ve got the ‘tude.  If I can just learn how to transfer the mental to the physical, I’ll be hell on wheels.  Like, you know, literally.

Besides, I’ve met quite a few of the derby girls up here now, and yes, they are bad-asses, but they’re the sweetest, friendliest, most welcoming bad-asses I’ve ever met.  I mean, these chicks seriously rock.  And they don’t care that I’ve never done derby before, and I’ve even confessed my fears to a few of them, and they’re all like, “Yeah, me too. So what?”  And I’m all, “Cool!” and they’re all, “Duh!” and it’s all Good.

Want to read more about these badass chicks?  Click HERE.

My food baby's name is Coco Brie O'Cheesy

Alrighty.  Let me just start by saying that I think it’s completely unfair that google taught me how to make really good hashbrowns, AND I actually have a few potatoes left, AND I have to start my diet.

That said, I’m now going to reveal everything I ate since my last post.  Some days were better than others.  You know how it is… but I wasn’t on a diet yet.  Today I am.  And sort of yesterday, too.  Except I must wane myself off of my beloved CHEESE a little at a time, or my entire system may go into shock.

12/30 - Road trip to Phoenix:

Jelly poppyseed cookie (Sugar Mamas)

¾ Lemon blueberry tart (Sugar Mamas)

1 coconut macaroon (Sugar Mamas)

1 large fries (it was only polite - we had to stop at McDonald's in Camp Verde to pee)

Dinner:  3 taco supremes (bastards skimped on the CHEESE!)

1 medium root beer

12/31/11 - New Year's Eve:

Jelly poppyseed cookie (Sugar Mamas)

¼ lemon blueberry tart (Sugar Mamas)
(If you're wondering about the recurring references to Sugar Mamas, it's this: sugarmamasflagstaff.com.  My friend Nancy makes the most AMAZING stuff there.  Like, all the time.  It's torture.)

1 cup watery hotel room coffee w/ 1 creamer, 1 packet sugar

Western CHEESEburger at the Burger Studio – complete with green chili and guacamole

Homemade potato chips

Handful of sweet potato fries

About 5 onion rings

Iced tea (unsweetened)

Gary, looking smug just before our uphill battle.

Let me just interject here that we actually hiked all the way from our room at the Pointe to the Burger Studio on 7^th Street – which, according to google, was 1.3 miles each way.  Up hill.  Both ways.  I kid you not.  No – really.   

We started in Tapatio Cliffs and hiked all the way UP to the top in order to get DOWN to the city, and then the hike back was mostly UP, UP, UUUP.  And THEN later that night we had to hike back UP to the top of the cliffs to get to the Terrace Room for New Year's Eve.  SO…

This photo does NOT do this hill justice.

Total exercise for the day: 2.6 miles, plus whatever it took to get to the Terrace Room.  So I’ll just round that up to, say, 5 miles total.  (Okay, it was probably more like 3 total.  But may I remind you, it was UP HILL, BOTH WAYS.  And why don't YOU try hiking up a very steep walkway at night, after 2 vodka Perriers + 2 scotch & sodas, in 2” fabulous heels.  I double-dog dare you.)

View from the Terrace Room.  WAY down past that little hill on the right: The Burger Studio.  Just sayin'.

Food Baby Conception, Cont’d (yes, we’re still on New Year's Eve):

½ caramel almond brownie (yep - Sugar Mamas)

2 cherry vodka Perriers with a twist of lime

2 Glenlivet & sodas w/ lime

Crab spinach fondue (OHMYGOD!)

Veal spinach ravioli

2 cups reg. coffee w/ cream

1 glass champagne

I'm actually eyeing that caramel almond brownie...

At one point over the holiday weekend, my belly got, like, distended.  Seriously.  I mean, I was dangerously close to some poor unsuspecting slob tapping me on the shoulder and saying “Happy New Year, and congratulations!  When are you due?”  And then immediately judging me for drinking champagne when I'm OBVIOUSLY at least five months preggers.  Thank the gods for the Edwardian waistline.  And thank the contemporary gods for the 60s shift dress….

So my food baby was cleverly disguised as we rang in the New Year atop the sprawling city of Phoenix, just outside the Terrace Room at the Pointe.  As we dreamily watched several makeshift fireworks displays turn into a couple of 3 alarm fires all over the city, I reflected back on the year.  BOY did I eat a bunch of crap after I got back from New York.  Compensating, perhaps?  Comfort food?  Lord knows, I had my share of comfort food in NYC, but I had to WALK back to my 10^th floor room on the Upper East Side (and I actually preferred the stairs to the lift).  And I had to at least WALK to the subway to get to that greasy pizza joint at Union Square.  Or WALK 3 blocks to Central Park to get that gelato.  Here in Dragstaff, Arizona, elevated 7,000 feet above anything remotely reasonable, there is no walking.  Not when it’s 25 degrees out.  Not for me there isn’t.  Nope.

How-EVER…

While I was in Phoenix, I did manage to order my badd self a pair of derby skates.  Yes, that’s going to be part of the regimen.  Roller Derby.  For several reasons: 

1. I’m a wimp.  Never broke a bone, never did anything physically dangerous.  It’s time to break something.

2.  It’s GREAT exercise.

3.  The women I’ve met there so far are pretty damn cool.  I coulds uses me some more cool women friends.

4.  I need to toughen the frak up and start facing my fears.  Of breaking something.  Because I might.

Oh yes.  They WILL be mine.

My brand-new skates should arrive at my door some time early next week.  I can’t wait.  I hear that the derby girls skate around Bushmaster Park sometimes, which is SO incredibly awesome because at one point during my young & impressionable years, I wore skates more often than I wore shoes, and Bushmaster Park saw a lot of those miles.




Alright, enough of the digressions.  Back to the situation at hand: 

1/1/12 - New Year's Day:

Watery hotel room coffee with 1 cream, 1 sugar

Large peppermint café mocha: skim milk, whipped cream (go ahead, laugh.  I'll wait...)
.....

Egg, chorizo and CHEESE burrito with jalapeño cream CHEESE

Rosemary red potatoes

Cinnamon roll w/ cream CHEESE frosting

Late night Big Mac (don't ask - this one's Gary's fault.)

1/2/12 - LAST DAY OF FREEDOM:

Starbuck’s egg sausage & CHEESE sandwich on English muffin

Cheddar CHEESE/poppy seed bagel w/ cream CHEESE

Grande Peppermint Mocha

2 chili dogs with CHEESE (they were yucky)

4 mimosas.  (Don’t judge me: the chili dogs were yucky.)

I said that January 3^rd would be the first day of my diet.  Yep – I followed through.  Starting out with a nice saltwater cleanse that I learned about from my Middle Eastern Dance instructor back in New York City.  So here’s what I consumed on the First Day of the Rest of My Life: 

1/3/12 - DIET DAY 1!

2 cups coffee w/ 1% milk (and a splash of chocolate milk)

Salt water cleanse

Bowl of ½ cup oatmeal w/ butter, brown sugar, 1% milk (yeah, I could've nixed the butter, but WHY?!)

½ box Kraft Macaroni and CHEESE

Where did my amazing willpower come from, you ask?  Quite simple.  I came down with some kind of 24-hr virus yesterday that made me just want to curl up under about 10 blankets, crank up the heat, and wait to die.  So I was kind of cheating, in the sense that when you’re sick like that, the mere sight of real food makes you wanna hurl - sort of like a reverse-bulimia.  The macaroni and CHEESE only happened once my fever broke and I could stand up long enough to boil water.  But still – considering my eating habits up until yesterday, wouldn’t you say I did pretty darn good?

As for today, I’ve just now poured myself a 2^nd cup of coffee, complete with a mixture of 1% and chocolate milk.  My stomach hasn’t quite woken up yet, and the food baby will be hungry soon….

Okay, so here’s the weight spec.  I’m apparently still 5’10”.  (Dammit.)  When I got back from Phoenix, I was surprised to see that I’d only gained a pound – I was up to 169 as of Monday afternoon.  But that wonderful virus (and probably the saltwater cleanse) got me off to a GREAT start, because this morning I stood on that beautiful, marvelous, fabulous scale and do you know what he said to me?  Yes.  He said, “166”.  Wa-HOOOO!

If only I could get a virus every day and not feel like making real food.  But alas, there are potatoes in the pantry.  And there is CHEESE in the fridge.  And google told me how to make really good hashbrowns…

Prologue to Pain

Hello everyone, and welcome to my most embarrassing blog ever:  Weight Loss 2012!

That's right, this is my attempt at self-induced Public Humiliation as a motivating factor.  Hey, it worked in the Middle Ages - why not bring back the tried & true?

So today is December 29th, 2011.  My goal is to lose 25 pounds over the first quarter of 2012 (give a month or two, depending on the level of horror and pain involved).  That's about 2 pounds a week.  From what I understand, that's a healthy pace for most people, and I am NOT going to engage in any unhealthy practices, fads, or unscrupulous methods (read: no puking, no Atkins crap, and definitely no drugs or pills).  Besides, I don't have the willpower of anorexics.  Those girls are made of steel.  (Disclaimer: And that 'willpower' will make their hair fall out, shut down their kidneys, and eventually kill them if they don't get help.  So don't get any ideas, kiddies.)

So.  Here goes.  No, I'm not going to post a "before" picture just yet.  Are you kidding?  I still have a few days left of 2011 to eat a whole bunch of crap and be horribly lazy and maybe not even bother to change out of my pajamas.  Well, OK I'll change for New Year's Eve.  But it won't exactly be into a "little" black dress...

Alright.  Here are my specs:  beginning height and weight.  Before you freak out and go "OH MY GOD SHE MUST BE ENORMOUS!" please consider that I'm 5'10".  So tall girls get to weigh more, you know.  (shut up.  it's true.)

So without further ado... (it's not "adieu" - I googled it).....

....ever wonder what other phrases you might be using completely incorrectly?  How embarrassing, right?  I mean, those of us who watch way too much TV and don't read enough books will easily get caught using the wrong euphem.....is....mmm.......ssssssss.........

....wait, what was I going to do?  Oh yes, I was going to post my weight in a public blog on the Internet for THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE.

It's a really nice day outside today.  We're gonna have great weather for New Year's Eve.  Wonder if the moon will be out?  I should google the moon to see what phase it's in...

Uh, yeah.  Sorry.  The weight.

Ummmm......

Did I tell you about my new puppy?  She's really cute and her name is Betsy and I'm not usually a "little dog" person but she's growing on me.. haha, get it?  'growing' on me... you know, because I said she's 'little'....

Okay.  162.

ALRIGHT dammit it's 168.  But I just ate a huge breakfast burrito and drank a whole bunch of water.   A WHOLE BUNCH OF WATER.  Like, 4 WHOLE POUNDS OF WATER!

Remember - I'm tall.  Dammit.  I'm TALL!  But I'm relatively smallish-framed (so I won't try to tell you that I'm 'big boned' but mostly because that's SO 1980s), and according to the following chart, my current weight is only for people with large frames.  Which.... I don't have.  Remember now, I'm 5'10"...

Oh yes - this initial weigh-in could (and most likely will) increase, according to what I choose to stuff into my face over the next few days.  But that will just make it more interesting.  My goal is to reach 135-140, depending on which one makes me look thin and healthy but not scrawny and wan.  I'm too old (and my nose is way too big) to be a model for Calvin Klein, so the size 0 thing just isn't my style.  Haha get it... 'style'?  Because 'size'?  anyway....

O Glorified Glory, of All that is Glorious...

I think I'll start out by posting what I eat every day.  Eventually I'll include daily activities and exercise, but not this week.  No sirree.

Today I made an excellent breakfast burrito by grating the hell out of a very large potato, frying it up into mushy hash browns (google says you should squish the water out of grated potatoes in order to make good hash browns.  I did not know that, but now I do.  I heart you, google) - then I scrambled two eggs and mixed them in with my mushy hash browns (did I mention I fried all this in butter?), then I added CHEESE (you will discover how much I love CHEESE as this blog progresses and the diet deteriorates), salt & pepper, wrapped it all up in a nice big flour tortilla, topped it with a little MORE CHEESE, and salsa.  Herdez medium, to be specific.  OH - and sour cream; I had to use up the rest of what was in the container so that I could recycle the plastic.  (You'll become familiar with my responsible environmentalism - especially when it comes to cleaning out containers that need to be recycled.  Extra-specially when said containers are known to contain any type of dairy product.)

Cheese is the Window to your Soul.

So I ate that all up and it feels really good in my tummy.  And I drank a big glass (like, a HUGE glass.  Like, 10 WHOLE POUNDS) of water with it.  Water's good for diets, they say.  Gotta start somewhere.  Besides, it was a little early to break into the bubbly...

Speaking of that, I guess I should also post everything I drink as well.  Perhaps this blog will begin to morph its way into a kind of confessional when I publicly disclose the amount of champagne, sparkling wines, and vodka/Perriers-with-a-twist-of-lime that I partake in.  I'm sure a lot of other deep-rooted psychological problems will begin to rear their ugly heads as I begin to deprive myself of my beloved salty, greasy, ice-creamy, CHEESY, and sugary treats that make life seem worth living...

So.  There you have it.  "Day 1" - but not really.  I think January 3rd will be the official day of reckoning. I can eat whatever the *bleep* I want to up until then, and I fully intend to do so.

So sit back, have a happy New Year, and check back on this blog in a few days.  And fasten your seatbelts - it's going to be a bumpy diet.