Thursday, December 29, 2011

Prologue to Pain

Hello everyone, and welcome to my most embarrassing blog ever:  Weight Loss 2012!

That's right, this is my attempt at self-induced Public Humiliation as a motivating factor.  Hey, it worked in the Middle Ages - why not bring back the tried & true?


So today is December 29th, 2011.  My goal is to lose 25 pounds over the first quarter of 2012 (give a month or two, depending on the level of horror and pain involved).  That's about 2 pounds a week.  From what I understand, that's a healthy pace for most people, and I am NOT going to engage in any unhealthy practices, fads, or unscrupulous methods (read: no puking, no Atkins crap, and definitely no drugs or pills).  Besides, I don't have the willpower of anorexics.  Those girls are made of steel.  (Disclaimer: And that 'willpower' will make their hair fall out, shut down their kidneys, and eventually kill them if they don't get help.  So don't get any ideas, kiddies.)

So.  Here goes.  No, I'm not going to post a "before" picture just yet.  Are you kidding?  I still have a few days left of 2011 to eat a whole bunch of crap and be horribly lazy and maybe not even bother to change out of my pajamas.  Well, OK I'll change for New Year's Eve.  But it won't exactly be into a "little" black dress...


Alright.  Here are my specs:  beginning height and weight.  Before you freak out and go "OH MY GOD SHE MUST BE ENORMOUS!" please consider that I'm 5'10".  So tall girls get to weigh more, you know.  (shut up.  it's true.)


So without further ado... (it's not "adieu" - I googled it).....


....ever wonder what other phrases you might be using completely incorrectly?  How embarrassing, right?  I mean, those of us who watch way too much TV and don't read enough books will easily get caught using the wrong euphem.....is....mmm.......ssssssss.........


....wait, what was I going to do?  Oh yes, I was going to post my weight in a public blog on the Internet for THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE.


It's a really nice day outside today.  We're gonna have great weather for New Year's Eve.  Wonder if the moon will be out?  I should google the moon to see what phase it's in...


Uh, yeah.  Sorry.  The weight.


Ummmm......

Did I tell you about my new puppy?  She's really cute and her name is Betsy and I'm not usually a "little dog" person but she's growing on me.. haha, get it?  'growing' on me... you know, because I said she's 'little'....

Okay.  162.

ALRIGHT dammit it's 168.  But I just ate a huge breakfast burrito and drank a whole bunch of water.   A WHOLE BUNCH OF WATER.  Like, 4 WHOLE POUNDS OF WATER!

Remember - I'm tall.  Dammit.  I'm TALL!  But I'm relatively smallish-framed (so I won't try to tell you that I'm 'big boned' but mostly because that's SO 1980s), and according to the following chart, my current weight is only for people with large frames.  Which.... I don't have.  Remember now, I'm 5'10"...
Oh yes - this initial weigh-in could (and most likely will) increase, according to what I choose to stuff into my face over the next few days.  But that will just make it more interesting.  My goal is to reach 135-140, depending on which one makes me look thin and healthy but not scrawny and wan.  I'm too old (and my nose is way too big) to be a model for Calvin Klein, so the size 0 thing just isn't my style.  Haha get it... 'style'?  Because 'size'?  anyway....


O Glorified Glory, of All that is Glorious...
I think I'll start out by posting what I eat every day.  Eventually I'll include daily activities and exercise, but not this week.  No sirree.

Today I made an excellent breakfast burrito by grating the hell out of a very large potato, frying it up into mushy hash browns (google says you should squish the water out of grated potatoes in order to make good hash browns.  I did not know that, but now I do.  I heart you, google) - then I scrambled two eggs and mixed them in with my mushy hash browns (did I mention I fried all this in butter?), then I added CHEESE (you will discover how much I love CHEESE as this blog progresses and the diet deteriorates), salt & pepper, wrapped it all up in a nice big flour tortilla, topped it with a little MORE CHEESE, and salsa.  Herdez medium, to be specific.  OH - and sour cream; I had to use up the rest of what was in the container so that I could recycle the plastic.  (You'll become familiar with my responsible environmentalism - especially when it comes to cleaning out containers that need to be recycled.  Extra-specially when said containers are known to contain any type of dairy product.)

Cheese is the Window to your Soul.


So I ate that all up and it feels really good in my tummy.  And I drank a big glass (like, a HUGE glass.  Like, 10 WHOLE POUNDS) of water with it.  Water's good for diets, they say.  Gotta start somewhere.  Besides, it was a little early to break into the bubbly...




Speaking of that, I guess I should also post everything I drink as well.  Perhaps this blog will begin to morph its way into a kind of confessional when I publicly disclose the amount of champagne, sparkling wines, and vodka/Perriers-with-a-twist-of-lime that I partake in.  I'm sure a lot of other deep-rooted psychological problems will begin to rear their ugly heads as I begin to deprive myself of my beloved salty, greasy, ice-creamy, CHEESY, and sugary treats that make life seem worth living...

So.  There you have it.  "Day 1" - but not really.  I think January 3rd will be the official day of reckoning. I can eat whatever the *bleep* I want to up until then, and I fully intend to do so.

So sit back, have a happy New Year, and check back on this blog in a few days.  And fasten your seatbelts - it's going to be a bumpy diet.



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